Monday, April 27, 2015

My Life With Sadness

One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is being unable to experience pleasure in life. Some people do not know this about me but I have been living with sadness most of my life. Not long ago I read about someone having selective amnesia. I felt something inside of me click. I realized I had the same thing.

I do not remember much from my childhood. What I do remember is that I was not happy like the other kids. Many of the bad memories were blocked out. The memories are long gone but the sadness remains within me.

In middle school I had very few friends. I did not talk very much. I was known as a mute. I must have looked disturbed because I remember kids asking my big brother, what was wrong with me. They wanted to know what happened to me.

Today I still deal with those sad feelings on a daily basis. Often I dread mornings. That is when my sadness is at it's peak. People no longer ask my big brother what is wrong with me. They simply ask me what is wrong. Often I do not know what is making me sad. People expect answers and it frustrates me when I can not tell them exactly what is causing me to feel down.

A few of my friends do not really understand me. If I tell them I am falling into depression they tell me to snap out of it. Another friend states no one in my close family has died. That there is nothing to be sad about.

This is just a glimpse of my reality. I refuse to let sadness take over my life. I am very blessed to have a good support system of family and friends. They are available to talk to me when I am sad and unaware of what is wrong. Bear, music, work and bubble baths are just a few ways I cope with my sadness.