My Own Kind Of Therapy

It does not take a lot of money to lift me from my sadness. All I need is some time. Having some friends around would be helpful. Things I do to relax and have fun are simple things.

One of the things I especially love to do is go to the library. Whether it is a project, interest or problem the library has resources. I always love to browse the “New Section” books. I enjoy books and sometimes I read a lot.

Another way to relax me is going shopping. I have loved shopping since I was a teen! It is one of my favorite pastimes. I bargain hunt and look for deals. I like going to discount stores, the Goodwill and thrift stores. I also go to high end stores BUT I am always looking for a good sale there! Shopping lifts my spirits when I am blue. I rarely spend a lot of money for goods.

One of my favorite places to go is downtown during the day. There is a nice park with a big fountain. Sometimes I like going to the bars but I do not usually have an alcoholic beverage. My beverage of choice is orange juice. There are cute shops and cafes to visit. I love the Peanut Shop. I always get popcorn from there. Occasionally I feed the squirrels in the park bits of popcorn. There is usually something going on downtown!

Lastly I love to go out to eat! Often I am in the mood for Thai food. I also like Chinese buffets. I prefer to go during the day to keep costs down. I dine out with a friend at least once a week.

These are things I do to make me feel better. It is kind of like my own therapy in a sense. They help chase away the blues and get me away from my depression.

Heartbreak

The past few months have been pretty rough on me. I have had a bad case of hives that lasted for a week. My car broke down on me and I went car less for a while. The worst thing I have had happen to me is heartbreak. This was not something that lasted for a few years. I have known this person for over twenty years. I referred to her as my FL best friend. She was like a sister to me.

Yesterday I woke up around seven am. I check my cell phone and see a text message from a close friend. Her message said to give her a call before I go on Facebook. I give my friend a call. She warns me that there is a nasty public post on my Facebook page. I log on to my Facebook account. What I see is a long letter on my page pretty much about how an ungrateful bitch I am. This was from my FL best friend. I can not fully express how I feel but it is like a mixture of sadness and anger. Tears roll down my cheeks. My hands are shaking. I feel frazzled. A few of my friends defend me but my FL best friend manages to lash out at them.

I manage to shower and get dressed. Clearly I am not thinking straight because I decided to wear jeans while the weather is about one hundred degrees outside. I get to my friends house. She tries to comfort me and tells me things will work out just fine. I remain devastated. We talk about my feelings for a while. I was still in tears. One of my friends warned me that people can leave mean comments on my blog. I never expected something so mean from my FL best friend.

My friend and I try to go on about our days. We are both pretty upset. We decide to go downtown. My friend and I get lunch from a fast food place. We both explore the library since we enjoy reading. We stop at the pet store to see some animals then get a few things from the grocery store. Finally we head back home. We get into a small argument. She thought I was upset with her. It had nothing to do with her. I was still very hurt from the mean letter.

I have a cousin that lives in Utah. We have not seen since each other since I was in kindergarten. However we still stay pretty close. I text her almost every day. She knew what happened to me over Facebook. She asked me if I was okay. I told her not really. What she says next brought tears to my eyes. She texted me to tell her everything that was wrong. She told me that she was there to listen. I was touched by her simple act of kindness. I know that a few people truly care for me but she made me realize it.

The end of my day goes by slowly. I drive home and listen to music. The tears start again. My heart is broken. I feel like I have lost a piece of my soul. Yes I do have family and friends nearby but I feel incredibly alone. I go home to Bear. As always he is patiently waiting for me. I get into my pajamas and into bed. Bear comforts me and the loneliness eases a bit. I do a bit of writing. Then I text a few friends until I fall asleep.

Real Friends In Alabama

In my previous blog entries I have talked about some family and friends that have helped me through my struggle. I have met six wonderful friends in Alabama! I would like to take a moment to talk about them and how they have helped me.

Marianne is one of the first friends I made here. We were roommates at a psychiatric hospital. She was very friendly and sociable. We talked often. After we left the hospital we lost touch for a few years. One day I was at Altapointe and Marianne saw me and held both of my hands. We were so happy to be reunited! Ever since then we have been in contact. She is such a generous person. I remember one day I was at her house eating some apple chips. I mentioned that they were tasty and she tried to get me to take home her entire bag of apple chips!

Sean is someone I have known for quite a while. I met Sean while sitting at a gas station with Bear. He was concerned about me and asked if I was alright. We talked for a bit and kept in touch. When I was in the hospital he came to visit me every single day! Sean came to check on me often while I was staying alone in my apartment. He was a great help! He never complained about having to take me grocery shopping and on other errands. I do not know what I would have done without him.

Brandon is another good friend of mine. I met him through one of my friends. He is very blunt and does not always think before he speaks. We used to go out to lunch often or to the park. Whenever I am in a bind Brandon never hesitates to give me a lending hand. If I am upset he finds a way to cheer me up.

Sara is my very best Alabama friend! We have known each other for a few years. However since January we have been getting especially close. She is the first person I would call if I am sad or sick. Sara gives good advice. We are together most of the time.

Zamora is a friend I met through my parents. When I am having issues she invites me over or offers to talk to me. We like to go out to eat and go shopping. Zamora is a beauty expert! Sometimes she does my eyebrows, hair and makeup!

One of my newest friends is Marcy. We met online. She has been living here since last summer. We emailed for a few months before we actually met in real life. Whenever I a am down Marcy suggests we go talk and do something fun. She likes to help me get my mind away from my troubles.

Since living in Alabama these friends are my support system. They are the people I am closest to. Sometimes we just hangout for fun. Also they are there for me when I have a serious problem such as depression. These are the friends I can count on the most. They make my world a little brighter!

Time For My Meds!

I want to talk to you about the medications I take to control my schizophrenia. Some people do not realize how powerful the effects of the medicines are. Schizophrenia is not curable but it certainly is treatable. I have to take medications for the rest of my life.

Back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed I was on a medication that literally made me sleep all day. My life was a blur. I managed to eat a few meals a day and shower but other than that I would be in bed sleeping. One time I had an appointment at Altapointe and I could barely stay awake. I wanted to doze off. The staff member I was talking to told me she wished she could offer me some coffee but she did not have any. I told the doctor about the side effects and they quickly changed my medicines.

The new medicines I was on worked for awhile. Then around 2010 I noticed a scary side effect! It seemed like my throat was closing up. I could not eat or drink anything. I did not go to the hospital. I was afraid I would be put into a group home. The next day I am perfectly fine. I am able to eat and drink again.

Nearly a month had gone by and I was off my medicines. My family did not know this. I kept it to myself. I started feeling happy again. I felt very friendly and wanted to have conversations with everyone I came across! Now remember my personality is very reserved.

Luckily I found out that the pills I was taking came in an injection form. Soon I start taking the monthly injections. I am grateful for them. If I had been off my medicines any longer I would have had a relapse. This injection has two bad side effects. I have gained a lot of weight and I am tired almost all of the time. Before I was on the injections I was a juniors size 3. Now I have been on the injections for a few years and I am up to a size 15. My self esteem has decreased dramatically.

While my injections have two bad side effects the positive outcome is much greater. I get depressed often but I am not suicidal. I laugh and smile often with my friends. My brain disorder is stabilized and I am not delusional. This medication has helped me live a normal productive life!

Psychiatric Ward My Roommate Is The Devil

I want to take you back to the summer of 2008. I just had my first mental breakdown. This is about my very first time staying at the psychiatric ward. I was naive, young and slightly disoriented. I would assume staying at the psychiatric ward would be scary for most people. However because I was disoriented I had fun the entire time of my stay! Maybe part of the reason that I was happy was because I had been doped up. I met some interesting characters that still remain strongly in my memory. I would like to introduce them to you.

I told the lady I was going to share my room with that I was an angel of God. She simply told me she was the devil. She was not being mean or funny. She was dead serious. I do not know why she called herself the devil. My roommate turned out to be quiet and friendly.

One of the persons I met was God. She was a middle aged blonde. God wore makeup most of the time. She said I was her spiritual child and wanted to take me home to live with her. God told me I was blessed with a lovely body and that I needed to cover it. At that time I was in good shape. I was wearing a cardigan and jeans. It was NOT revealing.

After meeting God I met a woman named Eve. She told me she was the first woman created by God. Eve had a special seat in the day room that she loved sitting in. She openly talked about being abused when she was a child. Eve kind of spooked me out when she told me there were a few dead spirits following me.

Another memorable character was the military guy. He was attractive and a few years younger than me. I developed a baby crush on him and I think he felt the same about me. We usually sat next to each other in the day room. He was good at puzzles. I encouraged him and told him to keep up the good work. I believe he was staying in the ward because he was on a suicide watch.

One guy that scared the hell out of me was not a patient. He was a janitor. I felt that he looked evil. I asked him if he believed in God. He abruptly replied “No!” God (the lady I introduced earlier) and I believed he was planning on blowing up the building.

God and I walk the hallways anxiously worrying. I decided to call the cops. One cop came in to see me. The nurse was very upset with me! He took away my phone privileges for the day. The cop took me to a private room. He told me everything was going to be fine.

Nightly the staff would check on us hourly while we were asleep. In the day room we had puzzles, crayons and the TV. Some days the therapist would come see us and we would have day treatment.

My FL best friend and a close friend visited me. They asked me what I needed and bought me underthings and toiletries.

My dad and step mom came to visit me. I was happy to see them and gave both of them hugs!

The next day my parents take me out of the hospital. I go to their friend's house to pack before I am on my way to Alabama.

Giving Back

The bible says “You reap what you sow.”

After my breakdown and being diagnosed with schizophrenia I felt like I did not have anything to sow. My dad and older brother had helped me. Friends had been there for me.

Here I was with a brain disorder, my life shattered, dreams gone. I did not know if I would ever be able to live on my own again.

I had to start over! How? While being in mental wards and group homes I was able to make friends easily. I have always been a very caring person.

Many of my friends are from the early days. They are still my friends today. I realized that a small act of kindness could make someone's day. From a simple “Hello” to a “Happy Birthday.” Sometimes a used book, a small gift or a greeting card could lift the spirits of my friends. It does not take a lot of money to make someone smile.

As I gained control over my brain disorder and became more independent I would continue to keep up with my friends. I usually sent them texts, emails, snail mail letters and I would visit my local friends.

I wanted give back to the community. A friend and I decided to volunteer at a nursing home. I had the idea that we would visit and talk to the elderly. We were quickly to learn about dementia, Alzheimer's, and the survivors of strokes. After spending time with these people I realized my problems with schizophrenia were not so enormous.

For fun activities I wanted to color and paint. However that was not our calling. “BINGO!” Yes our calling was bingo. We run the bingo games a few times a week. We always have a good sized crowd. My friend and I take turns calling out the numbers while the other one goes around helping the consumers with their cards.

We dealt with all types of seniors. There is one outgoing gentleman that said something along the lines of “How about a kiss, baby?!” One lady that loves to play bingo refers to me as the pretty foreigner. My bingo players are always glad to see us. If they win they get a piece of chocolate candy. For a while they have fun and are entertained.

My heart goes out to these elderly consumers because they will not get better. I am glad I can give back to these people. I forget my problems for awhile. I know that I am continually getting better with my brain disorder.

Animal Companions

Schizophrenia is emotionally taxing. Even with medications, therapy and the support of my family and friends.

Earlier I have talked about my son Bear. He has helped me endure sadness, heartache and loneliness.

Even Bear needs help sometimes. My family owns two dogs, Looney and Lassie. They are both small female dogs. They are my companions too. Along with Garfield and Dopey, my AL best friend's cats. Together with Bear these animals (my friends) help me deal with the symptoms of schizophrenia.

Looney is hyper, with all kinds of energy. Lassie is more calm and collected. I love giving them treats and kisses. Petting and spending time with my dogs makes me feel calmer. They make me feel loved. They always lift my spirits.

My AL best friend's cats provide me some comfort as well. Dopey is a grey female, older cat. She meows a lot and is not always sociable. However she can be sweet at times. Garfield is a big cuddly male orange Tom cat. He likes to sit with me often and loves when I pet him. Soothing is the best word that comes to mind. Sometimes I give them treats when I am over. They meow at me and follow me into the room for their goodies.

I have mentioned before that when dealing with a brain disorder, you do whatever it takes. Pets are an excellent way of dealing with the symptoms of my illness and the side effect of medicines. Bear along with my dogs and cats, help me cope and live a richer life! I am thankful for the role they play in my world!