Keep On Going

Often I find it hard to keep going...

Lightning struck the house a few months ago. It totaled our phone and computer.

We purchased a used TV from the pawn shop not too long ago. Lightning struck a few days ago and totaled the TV.

I wake up often in the middle of the night. Now when it rains and thunders I feel uneasy. If I see bright flashes I get very nervous.

I drink one soda a day and the rest of my drinks are water. A few people told me that I do not eat very much. I am still gaining weight.

I have been saving up for a newer model car. Out of town trips and other things end up wiping my bank account clean.

Recently I have been working with a new therapist. He tells me to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.

The doctor put me on new anti-depressants. I have been on them for three days now. They make me more energetic. I am usually asleep by eleven pm. As I am writing this article it is now four thirty am and I am wide awake. I have not been asleep in over twenty hours.

For me simply waking up is difficult. Regardless of how I feel, everyday I shower and get dressed. I take care of most of the house chores. I go run my errands. Sometimes I need to push myself to do work.

I feel like I would not be able to make it without my support system. Or at least my life would be ten times more difficult to manage. My partner, family and friends encourage and support me very much! Even a simple text from them brightens my day!

Often I feel grateful for the smallest things. A few of them are hot bubble baths, never going hungry and having a safe place to live.

A lot of bad things happen to me yet I try my best to remain positive!

What keeps you going???

My Life With Sadness

One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is being unable to experience pleasure in life. Some people do not know this about me but I have been living with sadness most of my life. Not long ago I read about someone having selective amnesia. I felt something inside of me click. I realized I had the same thing.

I do not remember much from my childhood. What I do remember is that I was not happy like the other kids. Many of the bad memories were blocked out. The memories are long gone but the sadness remains within me.

In middle school I had very few friends. I did not talk very much. I was known as a mute. I must have looked disturbed because I remember kids asking my big brother, what was wrong with me. They wanted to know what happened to me.

Today I still deal with those sad feelings on a daily basis. Often I dread mornings. That is when my sadness is at it's peak. People no longer ask my big brother what is wrong with me. They simply ask me what is wrong. Often I do not know what is making me sad. People expect answers and it frustrates me when I can not tell them exactly what is causing me to feel down.

A few of my friends do not really understand me. If I tell them I am falling into depression they tell me to snap out of it. Another friend states no one in my close family has died. That there is nothing to be sad about.

This is just a glimpse of my reality. I refuse to let sadness take over my life. I am very blessed to have a good support system of family and friends. They are available to talk to me when I am sad and unaware of what is wrong. Bear, music, work and bubble baths are just a few ways I cope with my sadness.

Butterflies In My Tummy

Not long after I completed my training, I received a call from the director of “In Our Own Voice”! She suggested I do a presentation with another presenter!

This is the real thing! I have always been nervous of talking in front of groups of people!However I wanted to get my personal story out!

What do I do first? I started practicing my speech in front of my AL best friend, Bear and the cats. Later on I enlisted Marianne and her cousin to be a part of my audience. The more I practiced, the more my confidence grew. With the encouragement of many of my friends I knew I was capable of giving my presentation!

My first speaking engagement was at a day treatment. Therefore I would be speaking to people like me. These people were struggling with mental illnesses as well. My partner was a good singer and funny too! After we presented I knew this was something I wanted to continue doing.

My AL best friend and I made dozens of calls to get me booked for IOOV. We talked to the director of the group homes of Altapointe. I was able to do several presentations at different group homes. One of the consumers liked me so much that she tried to kiss me right on the lips!

In January I spoke to the nursing students at Springhill College. I was extra nervous because this was my first non consumer group! Getting my story out overpowered my nervousness! At the end Sister encouraged the students to ask us anything. They had some interesting questions to ask us. They were really interested in our presentation.

My most recent presentations were for the staff at the Salvation Army. They were at two different locations. The first one was for the women's center. Today I talked at the men's center. As usual I had butterflies in my stomach! Unlike the first time I knew I was capable of doing this. A common thing several people have told me is that I do not seem nervous talking. That I seemed natural. I was pleasantly surprised about this.

I want to be able to do these presentations for a long time! I really enjoy them! The purpose is to remove the stigma of mental illness! I want to show the world that people with mental illnesses can be successful! Not all of us are confined to group homes for the rest of our lives! We are contributing members of society too!

NAMI "In Our Own Voice" Training

Nearly ten years ago, when I was in college I had to take a speech class. I remember it was one of the classes I disliked most! I am painfully shy. Talking in front of groups of people was not my forte.... back then.

Last year I wanted to be involved with raising mental illness awareness. I was curious about publicly speaking to people about mental illness and help stomp out the stigma of it! I told Sister this and she suggested I go to the NAMI “In Our Own Voice” program.

I checked out the NAMI website. The IOOV program looked very appealing to me! I sent an e-mail of inquiry. Not long after that the IOOV Coordinator e-mails me back. She tells me that training is in Montgomery. In a few weeks to be exact. I told her that I am very interested but maybe at a later date. The coordinator suggests I submit my application anyways for future use. I snail mailed my application. I ended up being chosen to train as an IOOV Presenter! The coordinator informs me that the room, meals and mileage are paid for. I am excited! I will be going to Montgomery!

My friends thought it was an excellent idea that I go to Montgomery for training! I manage to scrape up the money for a rental car. My personal car is old. I do not trust it to last over an hour on the interstate!

It takes me a few hours to reach Montgomery. The drive was not bad. The hotel I would be staying at was fairly easy to find. I arrive a few minutes late but am thankful that I am there and that I made it safely!

Class starts training on a Friday afternoon. When the Georgia trainer introduced herself to me I immediately realized who she was! I recently read her blog. She lives with schizophrenia too! I ask about her book and she gives it to me for a discounted rate since we were peers! I was super excited to meet her!

There were about ten students in training. I talked to most of them. They were warm and friendly. The trainers were helpful and encouraged all of us. I was worried that I would have a difficult roommate. Thankfully she turned out to be kind and caring. After class we would relax in our room and talk for hours about our lives. We felt comfortable with each other.

Training was intense but fun! I enjoyed all of it. A lot of information was absorbed. The second day of training was when we did our presentations. I was very nervous at first but the more I practiced, the more comfortable I became! On Sunday we reviewed everything and did some trouble shooting. At the end was a graduation ceremony!

I was so excited to become a NAMI IOOV Presenter! The goal of our presentations is to provide a sense of hope and recovery for those living with or without a mental illness! I want to show the world that people with mental illnesses really are not much different than people without a mental illness! We can achieve our goals and live an independent high quality lives too! Stay tuned for the next blog to read about the presentations I have done!

Goals for 2015

So far 2015 is off to a great start for me! I had a big problem with depression and I think a big factor in that had to do with the Lexapro I was taking! Lexapro is an anti-depressant and it first it make me feel kind of better but it did not take long to make me feel terrible! An anti-depressant causing me to feel super depressed! Can you believe that?! Well. I did hear about those effects for certain people. Now I am being tapered off of it and I have been feeling happy for a substantial amount of time! I feel alive and content!

I have two NAMI “In our own voice” Presentations this week and I have one scheduled next week! Yesterday Sister and I did our first presentation together and had a great time! IOOV Presentations are designed to give a message of hope and recovery for those living with a mental illness and I hope I have been successful at that! This month my best friend has been helping me make calls to places that would be interested in the IOOV Presentations! We have called nearly one hundred places so far and sent out e-mails!

Now I would like to share some goals I have for this year in order of relevance:

1. Slim down

I have gained too much weight in the recent years! It seems like I just keep getting bigger and bigger. I used to be slim. I am pretty sure it is my injection that has caused all this weight gain. Right when I started taking it is when the weight came piling on. This year I MUST work harder at slimming down. I have been doing good with my drinks. I drink about one cup of soda a day at the most. I drink a lot of sweet tea but I know I should be drinking water instead! Also I need to do more exercise. I definitely need to be more consistent with this!!

2.Save money

I kind of have a spending problem! I barely have any money in my bank account. I LOVE to shop!! I don't always spend a lot of money shopping but I can cut back. I also like to eat at restaurants a lot. I plan to cook from home much more often! I really need to save up for a newer model car than my current one. Also I MIGHT be a guest speaker at a conference in Houston this year (fingers crossed). The trip pays for my flight and hotel but I am not sure about the meals. I would really like to explore the city and you can probably guess... shop and eat!!!

3. Practice MORE random acts of kindness

Yes I do practice random acts of kindness. However they are kind of here and there.. I want to do more! Something that I hear often is “You never know what someone is really going through, be nice to everyone!” Just because someone is wearing a smile on their face does not mean they are OK! Some of them could be severely depressed! There have been plenty of times I have told my friends I was fine but in reality I wanted to take Bear and run away from the world. I usually tell my closest friends when I am feeling very sad though. One day at my former job I was having a really bad day. It felt like most of my customers were being mean to me. I was on the verge of tears and maybe it did show. Well one kind customer looked at me and told me that I had such beautiful hair! We talked for a few minutes. Her simple gesture made me have faith in humanity and is something I will never forget.

4. Text less

I am a heavy texter! I love to text! More than I love to actually talk on the phone! I am limiting my texts. Instead I will make more phone calls! It is more intimate and sometimes even fun! I will also write more hand written letters and snail mail. I get so excited when I get a letter in the mail in today's world of e-mails! I write to my mom every month and to my auntie.

And that folks is my goals for this year! I know I can achieve all of them! Do any of you have goals for 2015? Care to share? Comment below or personal e-mail is good!

A Trip Back To The Catfish Farm

When I first arrived in Alabama after my mental breakdown, I left the big city of Orlando, Florida to go live on a catfish farm in Axis, Alabama.

My friends were far away, I was not able to finish college, my chances of a career in the fashion industry had ended. Would I ever see my Orlando friends again? My life as I knew it was gone. Washed away by a mental illness that I knew little about. I was basically stuck on a catfish farm. I could not see a future for me farther than the next day.

At the catfish farm I met Mac and Faye. They were a retired, older couple. Mac liked to take morning walks around the catfish ponds. I took a liking to them right off. They befriended me and treated me like family. Sometimes I would go for walks with Mac. I spent most of my weekends with them. On Saturdays I would come over in the afternoon. We usually we hangout and watch TV. Sometimes they would take me to do errands with them. Sundays was church day. We would go to Sunday School and attend service. We liked going to fast food places for lunch.

Lately Mac and Faye have been in my thoughts so a friend of mine went with me to visit them about a month ago. It was close to an hours drive from me. I did not realize how far out in the country I had lived. The drive was nice. I was slightly worried that I would not remember how to get there but the memories came flooding back. I had a quiet time reflecting on those days and where I am now. We finally turned down the last country road. I was excited to see places where I used to live. The place where I just started my recovery. I was sad to see the the catfish ponds were now fenced off. As we got closer there was Mac and Faye's house. Once we parked I started to wonder if they were home. We undid the gate and walked onto the porch, knocked on the door but no answer. They were not home. I felt a bit disappointed. We sat on their swing I used to sit on years ago and waited for a few minutes. I got tired of waiting so I left a note on the door with my number on it.

My friend and I were hungry so we decided to stop and eat near the house in case Mac and would be home soon. We took off to Taco Bell. The guy that took my order said I was very pretty so that made my day! Just as we were finishing our tacos Mac gave me a call! He said he just got home a bit ago. My friend and I hopped in the car and I was happy that I would be seeing my old friends again! Excited is the best word to describe how I was feeling as we retraced our journey. I could hardly wait to see this elderly couple who had loved me and helped me in my recovery!

As we got out of the car, Mac came to greet us. He looked exactly as I had remembered him. Faye looked thinner and she admitted that she did have some health problems. Maggie came out barking and excited. I saw that they had a small new dog. They told me that their old dog Penny had passed away. I was kind of sad about it but was glad that she was no longer suffering.

We all went inside the house. I thought it had pretty much looked the same. There were so many memories! We sat in the kitchen and had some drinks. At first Mac gave me some grapefruit juice. I took a sip and did not like it! My friend had some sweet tea so luckily we exchanged drinks. They asked what I had been doing and how my family was. I told them about all the exciting things happening and my life! Then we reminisced about the days when my family and I used to live there.

It was getting near four o clock and my friend and I decided to head back home before the traffic hour started. We try to avoid rush hour if possible! It was wonderful seeing my old friends again. I now have more fond memories of these two dear people who loved me when I needed it most. My life back at the catfish farm would have been incredibly lonely without Mac and Faye. I will make sure to visit them at least a few times a year and keep in touch by phone!

Progress

In 2008 my life changed forever. I was a senior in college. Life was good. I wanted to work in the fashion industry. My future looked promising. In a matter of a few weeks everything changed.

You can read more about my mental breakdown in this blog. About the devastation of schizophrenia and how I put my life back together one piece at a time. There were setbacks sometimes but there was progress.

As my best friend says “I hung in there.” As my confidence grew I realized that I had something to give the world. This blog is a success. It has been read in ten different countries. I have had articles published in Schizlife, SOMI, Centerpointe, and NAMI.

Recently I was introduced to the Board of Directors of SOMI.

Through SA I met Sister Lucindia who has agreed to be my mentor. Sister Lucindia elected me to be a Board member for Wings Across Alabama. I attended the Board meeting a few weeks ago and am now an official Board member for Wings. I am very excited to serve and represent this organization!

Last weekend I just completed training to become a NAMI Presenter. I spent three days training in Montgomery. AL. I got to live lavishly. I had a huge comfortable bed with four pillows and I got used to the unlimited non-alcoholic beverages! During my training I met some wonderful people and made new friends!

The training was exciting and fun! I was nervous about doing public speaking but the more I practiced the more I felt confident giving a speech. I am looking forward to continuing my blog which I am very proud of! I plan on writing a book about my life. I am very excited to be serving on the Board of Directors of Wings and to be a NAMI Presenter!

I want to inspire and help others like me! I have great ambitions and plans for the future. I look forward to being an advocate, a spokesperson for the advancement of mental illness awareness!