Big Apple

In the spring of 2008 I took a trip to New York City! The guy I was dating at the time whom I was infatuated with, found out I had never been to New York. He wanted to treat me to a visit to the Big Apple. This was my first time flying on a plane. Going on this trip was the most exciting thing I had ever done!

We spent the night at the airport hotel. It was my first time finding chocolates on the pillow. There was a balcony where we sat and drank wine. I took a luxurious bubble bath.

The next day we boarded the plane in the morning. Having never been on a plane I felt it was a bit crowded. My mate gave me some gum. He told me to chew on it as we were taking off so my ears would not hurt. The attendants showed us how to put on oxygen masks and life vests. I remember how our flight attendant made me a mixed drink! They put on a movie but I was too excited to pay attention!

There was so much to see and do! People were all around me! We went to see Broadway shows. It was AWESOME! The tickets were about one hundred dollars a pop!

I remember having the most delicious cheesecake I had ever eaten in my life! It was so smooth. Then there was the subway. You can go just about anywhere in the city on them. It was fun!

I had the chance to walk around the campus of NYU. It was huge! We had coffee at Starbucks. I thought about how much fun it would be to attend this school.

We walked through Chinatown and Little Italy. People would try to persuade us to eat in their restaurants.

Later we ate at high rise restaurant right across from Ground Zero. That place looked like a construction zone. I also remember seeing some tents. Then we walked around Wall Street but I was not really impressed with it. Haha. 

This was a trip I will always remember! Flying on a plane. All the sites and sounds of New York. It was amazing to say the least! I definitely want to visit sometime soon!

Big Brother

I have talked about my support group of family and friends. For those of you enduring a mental illness, you know how truly important these people are.

Today I want to talk about one of my family members that made it possible for me to be here today. I plan on talking about other family members in future blogs.

My big brother who has loved, encouraged, instructed and scolded me sometimes, with my best interest in mind. From my earliest memories he has always been there for me. He has made me feel safe. He has been my protector. The best big brother a girl could ever want!

When I was about ten my mother left us due to a mental illness. We were both devastated but he buried his pain to take care of me. He put up a front for me, not thinking about his feelings to be there for me.

When we were teens my older brother worked in the hotel. He usually brought me dinner to make sure that I ate well. When my body was changing he would take me shopping for under things and feminine products. That had to be embarrassing for a teenage boy, but it did not stop him.

When it came time to learn to drive he was there teaching me the difference between the gas and brake pedals. I think I scared him and a mailbox once, haha. However he continued to teach me. When my older brother left for the military he gave me his car. Unknowingly I let the car run out of oil and damaged the car. His response “ No big deal.” He knew I did not do it on purpose.

After he got out of the army he went to live with his friend. On the weekends I would come visit him. We would just relax and have something to eat. We did not always talk a lot. Being around each other was comforting.

At the time we did not know that my mental illness was starting to take a hold of me. One time I got several traffic tickets in one sitting. It was so bad that they even took my driver's license! My older brother was trying to explain how serious the situation was. In my starting state of euphoria I did not see what was frustrating him.

When I was delusional and ran from him I thought he was a clone trying to harm me. I can not even imagine how hurt and worried he was for me. I remember being in the emergency room with him. He held my hand and I could not look at him. I did not believe it was really him.

After I arrived in Alabama my older brother stayed in touch with me. Sometimes he would get on me about decisions I made but he always wanted me to better myself. He wanted me to do something with my life. I was not good at communicating how I felt. At times I gave up on myself but my big brother never gave up on me!

I know being a blogger was not his first choice but I believe he is happy for me. I found something I am good at and I am helping others!

Big brother I love you and am so thankful for you being there. Even when you were out of the country I never could have made it without you! Thank You!!!! <3 <3

Support Groups

Since I have started this blog I have been more involved in mental illness. I began to realize that I could help others and that there were support groups to help people struggling with mental illness.

During my research for my blog I found SOMI (Survivors of Mental Illness) and SA (Schizophrenics Anonymous). Both groups help many people dealing with schizophrenia.

When I first went to the SOMI club, I knew I was in the right place. The people who run it are genuine. They are there to help. The director and activities director make everyone feel at home. Some things that are available are arts and crafts. We even blew big bubbles one day. I am so excited, they are teaching me how to play the piano!

The best part is I get to spend time with people who have a mental illness. We talk about daily living and paint or draw. There is never any pressure on doing anything. We talk and laugh while doing our projects. It is very soothing and relaxing.

On Wednesdays we do support groups. The members get together and talk about their lives. Both good and bad things happening in it. It helps to hear and talk about daily life. Coping skills are taught to handle rough days.

I love snack time! It is when we sit down and enjoy juice, cheeses, nuts and other healthy snacks. Again it is the interaction with people with a similar condition.

SOMI club is a refuge place to recharge your batteries. This group of people have made a difference in my life. It is my place to go when things are not going well, or when I have a great day and want to tell people about it.

Another group I have taken advantage of is SA. They have a conference call where you can talk to others with schizophrenia from all over America. We talk about our day and how we cope with our illness. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.

I met Sister Lucindia who is a star in the mental health field. She has schizophrenia just like me! She is my inspiration! She wears many hats in mental health. She graduated college with honors, has been in several articles and has published a book! I am learning so much from her.

There is so much more to these groups than what I have shared above! Please feel free to get in touch with me if you want more information on these groups. They are life savers. Like a calm refuge in the storm that surrounds people dealing with mental illness.

My Own Kind Of Therapy

It does not take a lot of money to lift me from my sadness. All I need is some time. Having some friends around would be helpful. Things I do to relax and have fun are simple things.

One of the things I especially love to do is go to the library. Whether it is a project, interest or problem the library has resources. I always love to browse the “New Section” books. I enjoy books and sometimes I read a lot.

Another way to relax me is going shopping. I have loved shopping since I was a teen! It is one of my favorite pastimes. I bargain hunt and look for deals. I like going to discount stores, the Goodwill and thrift stores. I also go to high end stores BUT I am always looking for a good sale there! Shopping lifts my spirits when I am blue. I rarely spend a lot of money for goods.

One of my favorite places to go is downtown during the day. There is a nice park with a big fountain. Sometimes I like going to the bars but I do not usually have an alcoholic beverage. My beverage of choice is orange juice. There are cute shops and cafes to visit. I love the Peanut Shop. I always get popcorn from there. Occasionally I feed the squirrels in the park bits of popcorn. There is usually something going on downtown!

Lastly I love to go out to eat! Often I am in the mood for Thai food. I also like Chinese buffets. I prefer to go during the day to keep costs down. I dine out with a friend at least once a week.

These are things I do to make me feel better. It is kind of like my own therapy in a sense. They help chase away the blues and get me away from my depression.

Heartbreak

The past few months have been pretty rough on me. I have had a bad case of hives that lasted for a week. My car broke down on me and I went car less for a while. The worst thing I have had happen to me is heartbreak. This was not something that lasted for a few years. I have known this person for over twenty years. I referred to her as my FL best friend. She was like a sister to me.

Yesterday I woke up around seven am. I check my cell phone and see a text message from a close friend. Her message said to give her a call before I go on Facebook. I give my friend a call. She warns me that there is a nasty public post on my Facebook page. I log on to my Facebook account. What I see is a long letter on my page pretty much about how an ungrateful bitch I am. This was from my FL best friend. I can not fully express how I feel but it is like a mixture of sadness and anger. Tears roll down my cheeks. My hands are shaking. I feel frazzled. A few of my friends defend me but my FL best friend manages to lash out at them.

I manage to shower and get dressed. Clearly I am not thinking straight because I decided to wear jeans while the weather is about one hundred degrees outside. I get to my friends house. She tries to comfort me and tells me things will work out just fine. I remain devastated. We talk about my feelings for a while. I was still in tears. One of my friends warned me that people can leave mean comments on my blog. I never expected something so mean from my FL best friend.

My friend and I try to go on about our days. We are both pretty upset. We decide to go downtown. My friend and I get lunch from a fast food place. We both explore the library since we enjoy reading. We stop at the pet store to see some animals then get a few things from the grocery store. Finally we head back home. We get into a small argument. She thought I was upset with her. It had nothing to do with her. I was still very hurt from the mean letter.

I have a cousin that lives in Utah. We have not seen since each other since I was in kindergarten. However we still stay pretty close. I text her almost every day. She knew what happened to me over Facebook. She asked me if I was okay. I told her not really. What she says next brought tears to my eyes. She texted me to tell her everything that was wrong. She told me that she was there to listen. I was touched by her simple act of kindness. I know that a few people truly care for me but she made me realize it.

The end of my day goes by slowly. I drive home and listen to music. The tears start again. My heart is broken. I feel like I have lost a piece of my soul. Yes I do have family and friends nearby but I feel incredibly alone. I go home to Bear. As always he is patiently waiting for me. I get into my pajamas and into bed. Bear comforts me and the loneliness eases a bit. I do a bit of writing. Then I text a few friends until I fall asleep.

Real Friends In Alabama

In my previous blog entries I have talked about some family and friends that have helped me through my struggle. I have met six wonderful friends in Alabama! I would like to take a moment to talk about them and how they have helped me.

Marianne is one of the first friends I made here. We were roommates at a psychiatric hospital. She was very friendly and sociable. We talked often. After we left the hospital we lost touch for a few years. One day I was at Altapointe and Marianne saw me and held both of my hands. We were so happy to be reunited! Ever since then we have been in contact. She is such a generous person. I remember one day I was at her house eating some apple chips. I mentioned that they were tasty and she tried to get me to take home her entire bag of apple chips!

Sean is someone I have known for quite a while. I met Sean while sitting at a gas station with Bear. He was concerned about me and asked if I was alright. We talked for a bit and kept in touch. When I was in the hospital he came to visit me every single day! Sean came to check on me often while I was staying alone in my apartment. He was a great help! He never complained about having to take me grocery shopping and on other errands. I do not know what I would have done without him.

Brandon is another good friend of mine. I met him through one of my friends. He is very blunt and does not always think before he speaks. We used to go out to lunch often or to the park. Whenever I am in a bind Brandon never hesitates to give me a lending hand. If I am upset he finds a way to cheer me up.

Sara is my very best Alabama friend! We have known each other for a few years. However since January we have been getting especially close. She is the first person I would call if I am sad or sick. Sara gives good advice. We are together most of the time.

Zamora is a friend I met through my parents. When I am having issues she invites me over or offers to talk to me. We like to go out to eat and go shopping. Zamora is a beauty expert! Sometimes she does my eyebrows, hair and makeup!

One of my newest friends is Marcy. We met online. She has been living here since last summer. We emailed for a few months before we actually met in real life. Whenever I a am down Marcy suggests we go talk and do something fun. She likes to help me get my mind away from my troubles.

Since living in Alabama these friends are my support system. They are the people I am closest to. Sometimes we just hangout for fun. Also they are there for me when I have a serious problem such as depression. These are the friends I can count on the most. They make my world a little brighter!

Time For My Meds!

I want to talk to you about the medications I take to control my schizophrenia. Some people do not realize how powerful the effects of the medicines are. Schizophrenia is not curable but it certainly is treatable. I have to take medications for the rest of my life.

Back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed I was on a medication that literally made me sleep all day. My life was a blur. I managed to eat a few meals a day and shower but other than that I would be in bed sleeping. One time I had an appointment at Altapointe and I could barely stay awake. I wanted to doze off. The staff member I was talking to told me she wished she could offer me some coffee but she did not have any. I told the doctor about the side effects and they quickly changed my medicines.

The new medicines I was on worked for awhile. Then around 2010 I noticed a scary side effect! It seemed like my throat was closing up. I could not eat or drink anything. I did not go to the hospital. I was afraid I would be put into a group home. The next day I am perfectly fine. I am able to eat and drink again.

Nearly a month had gone by and I was off my medicines. My family did not know this. I kept it to myself. I started feeling happy again. I felt very friendly and wanted to have conversations with everyone I came across! Now remember my personality is very reserved.

Luckily I found out that the pills I was taking came in an injection form. Soon I start taking the monthly injections. I am grateful for them. If I had been off my medicines any longer I would have had a relapse. This injection has two bad side effects. I have gained a lot of weight and I am tired almost all of the time. Before I was on the injections I was a juniors size 3. Now I have been on the injections for a few years and I am up to a size 15. My self esteem has decreased dramatically.

While my injections have two bad side effects the positive outcome is much greater. I get depressed often but I am not suicidal. I laugh and smile often with my friends. My brain disorder is stabilized and I am not delusional. This medication has helped me live a normal productive life!