Wishing to be pretty enough.

Hi guys ! I know it's been a while ! I hope you enjoy reading about my life!

Pretty much most of my life I have felt not pretty enough. Up until this day it is something I still struggle with. It has kinda become an obsession.

It started when I was very young. I was still in elementary school. At the time my mom was still around. She worked in the cafeteria of a hospital. One day she took me to work with her. There was an office in the cafeteria. That was where I sat while she took care of things. There were two women in the office with me. I think it was just the three of us. I heard the women talking. The women were talking about me. They said things like "She isn't pretty. She's ugly. She just has pretty long hair." Earlier my mom's co workers were telling her that I was a pretty girl. When I heard the women calling me ugly I felt very very bad.

I never forgot that situation. When I was in high school I got mixed responses. Some people called me pretty. Some people called me ugly.

So even today I don't feel like I will ever be pretty enough. Most of the time I do feel ugly. When people tell me I'm pretty I spend so much time looking in the mirror trying to see what they see.

My best friend and my life partner.

Hello readers ! I have not been in a writing mood lately in case you guys have not noticed.

With great sadness, I want to tell everyone that my life partner lost his battle with pancreatic cancer in December. He started a downhill decline since about the summer of 2016.

Thankfully my partner was able to reconnect with his immediate family before he left this world. Also two of his brothers from West Virginia even came to visit us in November.

One of my first memories of us was when we were just friends. We were walking inside of the grocery store and he grabbed my hand and held it ! I was appalled ! I did not know what he thought he was doing. Now readers keep in mind this was before I fell in love with him. After we became I couple I would constantly apologize for that incident. I never let myself live it down. My partner was sweet about it and said it did not hurt his feelings too bad.

I started falling in love with my partner when I got to know his heart. His best asset was his heart of gold. He always wanted to help others. My partner tried to see the best in people.

When I felt like I could do not do something my partner always believed I could do anything I set my mind to. When I felt like I was not pretty enough my partner would tell me I was very beautiful. He was my biggest supporter !

It is bittersweet for me to go to the places we used to go together. I miss him like crazy ! It hurts the worst when I wake up at night and he is not by my side. I am thankful I still have Bear and Garfield. When I feel very bad I use my coping skills.

My partner gave me the best years of my life. I am scared to navigate the world without him but I know it is possible. He will always live in my memories, my dreams and in my heart !! <3 <3 

 

May 2016

Hi guys! Hope everyone is doing well! I just wanted to let you know what is going on in my life.

In February I had my big 30th birthday! I loved getting cards and gifts from family and friends.
I picked out my ice cream cake but it did not taste so good! My partner and best friend took
me to a casino in Biloxi, MS which is about an hour away. 

In March I gave my presentation at Mobile College! The students asked me and my presentation
partner several questions.

In April my partner had a birthday! We went to Biloxi, MS again for a few hours. We really
enjoyed eating at the buffet.

Early this month I told my story to the consumers at Baypointe. The consumers were kids and
teens. I was surprised to find a good bit of them my height! Sometimes I forget that I am short!

Previously I have been doing my workouts for 15-20 minutes each day. Today is the first day
I extended my workout to 30 minutes ! :)

End of 2015

2015 was a good year for me. It seems like the past year just flew by! I am still surprised it is almost 2016! I have done well with my goals.

In the past year I became a member of Altapointe Consumer Council. Altapointe is a local mental health organization in Mobile, AL that provides services for people living with a mental illness. As a member my duties are to voice the concerns and needs of the consumers.

I also started a second SA(Schizophrenics Anonymous) group in Mobile. We have support groups every month at SOMI Club(Survivors of Mental Illness). SA is a support group for anyone that has been diagnosed with a mental illness. I have been enjoying my groups. We like to discuss how our lives are going. The groups definitely help us.

In November I was asked to give my personal story to the CIT(Crisis Intervention Training) for police officers. I was able to talk about my experience with law enforcement. I feel like I helped them better understand what it is like to deal with the mentally ill.

Last but not least I want to tell you about my upcoming Christmas. I am very excited about the holidays! I am thankful that the holidays are still a happy time for me! I have plenty of gifts to open from my loved ones. I have been to a few Christmas parties. I am so happy to have my partner, family and friends. They make my life so much better! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !!!

Update On Amy 2015

Hey! I have not talked to you guys in awhile! I thought I would give you an update of how my life and 2015 goals.

A few months ago I started an SA(Schizophrenics Anonymous) group at SOMI! I am still learning but it is off to a good start!

I am still dealing with sadness/depression. However I use the WRAP(Wellness Action Recovery Plan) toolbox and it helps me very much.

Now here is how my goals are going:

1. Slim down

It is off to a slow start but I have lost a few pounds! I like going for walks. I started adding squats to my routine. I have also been taking yoga classes !

2. Save money

I have started a savings account. I have been saving my extra money. I am very thankful I have money to save !

3. Practice more random acts of kindness

One of the acts of kindness I have been doing is leaving a few dollars at the table of fast food places. I hope it brightens someones day!

4. Text less

I have been texting less and calling my friends more often! I also enjoy visiting my friends.

So I am happy to say I am doing good on my goals. How are your 2015 goals coming along ??

Big Scare

Something that people with mental illnesses worry about is getting mentally sick again!

A few weeks ago, I had a big scare! You see I have been having med changes on my anti depressants. One particular anti-depressant made me have horrible intrusive thoughts!

Basically I became obsessed with the thought of getting sick again! It literally took over my mind!

This was one time when meds did not help. It actually made me feel a lot worse!

I was having what felt like panic attacks. I was incredibly scared that I would have to go stay in the psychiatric unit again!

Well what I learned in WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) I applied to in real life. I called my mentor, Sister and got some advice from her.

I used my coping skills to help get through the bad feelings. I took a hot bubble bath. Then I took my night meds and listened to some soothing music before falling asleep.

The next morning I gave the nurse a call. I told her about the bad side effects I have been having with the meds and that I was not going to take them anymore. She said that was ok.

I felt a lot better being off the anti-depressant.

For the mentally ill we hope we will not have another psychiatric breakdown. That thought is always with us. I know that I want to be able to live independently for as long as possible!

Today I am feeling good and I am off the anti-depressants!

I am able to get by keeping a positive attitude. Just taking it one day at a time...

My Best Birthday

I want to take you back to February 2011. My 25^th Birthday was coming up! This was a memorable birthday because special friends were coming to visit me!

I had known Christi (FL best friend) for most of my life. We were not always close but when I was in middle school we started to form a special bond. Her mom (Auntie) was like a second mom to me. I spent most of my free time at their house. Christi and Auntie were basically my second family.

I was extremely excited to see these ladies since I had not see them in almost three years! I kept my cell phone near me, waiting anxiously to find out when they had reached Alabama. They were coming from Orlando, FL which is an eight hour drive.

I heard from Christi in the evening. They had just made it safely to Alabama! They were tired and going to get some rest. Later that night I got a text from Christi asking if I wanted to go eat. We ended up going to Denny's around midnight!

The next night I saw Auntie. I almost did not recognize her! She lost a lot of weight. We exchanged bear hugs and talked excitedly!

We did a lot of fun things! They took me out to eat at different places. We went to the movies. I guess you should not be surprised that we did some shopping!

One night Christi and I literally stayed up all night on Facebook. We went to the hotel lobby to have breakfast around five am. Then we went to our room and finally got some sleep.

Christi and Auntie stayed for about a week in Alabama. They gave me a memorable birthday! It was one of my best birthdays ever! These two special ladies are an integral part of my life. I think about them often and miss them daily!

Keep On Going

Often I find it hard to keep going...

Lightning struck the house a few months ago. It totaled our phone and computer.

We purchased a used TV from the pawn shop not too long ago. Lightning struck a few days ago and totaled the TV.

I wake up often in the middle of the night. Now when it rains and thunders I feel uneasy. If I see bright flashes I get very nervous.

I drink one soda a day and the rest of my drinks are water. A few people told me that I do not eat very much. I am still gaining weight.

I have been saving up for a newer model car. Out of town trips and other things end up wiping my bank account clean.

Recently I have been working with a new therapist. He tells me to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.

The doctor put me on new anti-depressants. I have been on them for three days now. They make me more energetic. I am usually asleep by eleven pm. As I am writing this article it is now four thirty am and I am wide awake. I have not been asleep in over twenty hours.

For me simply waking up is difficult. Regardless of how I feel, everyday I shower and get dressed. I take care of most of the house chores. I go run my errands. Sometimes I need to push myself to do work.

I feel like I would not be able to make it without my support system. Or at least my life would be ten times more difficult to manage. My partner, family and friends encourage and support me very much! Even a simple text from them brightens my day!

Often I feel grateful for the smallest things. A few of them are hot bubble baths, never going hungry and having a safe place to live.

A lot of bad things happen to me yet I try my best to remain positive!

What keeps you going???

My Life With Sadness

One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is being unable to experience pleasure in life. Some people do not know this about me but I have been living with sadness most of my life. Not long ago I read about someone having selective amnesia. I felt something inside of me click. I realized I had the same thing.

I do not remember much from my childhood. What I do remember is that I was not happy like the other kids. Many of the bad memories were blocked out. The memories are long gone but the sadness remains within me.

In middle school I had very few friends. I did not talk very much. I was known as a mute. I must have looked disturbed because I remember kids asking my big brother, what was wrong with me. They wanted to know what happened to me.

Today I still deal with those sad feelings on a daily basis. Often I dread mornings. That is when my sadness is at it's peak. People no longer ask my big brother what is wrong with me. They simply ask me what is wrong. Often I do not know what is making me sad. People expect answers and it frustrates me when I can not tell them exactly what is causing me to feel down.

A few of my friends do not really understand me. If I tell them I am falling into depression they tell me to snap out of it. Another friend states no one in my close family has died. That there is nothing to be sad about.

This is just a glimpse of my reality. I refuse to let sadness take over my life. I am very blessed to have a good support system of family and friends. They are available to talk to me when I am sad and unaware of what is wrong. Bear, music, work and bubble baths are just a few ways I cope with my sadness.

Butterflies In My Tummy

Not long after I completed my training, I received a call from the director of “In Our Own Voice”! She suggested I do a presentation with another presenter!

This is the real thing! I have always been nervous of talking in front of groups of people!However I wanted to get my personal story out!

What do I do first? I started practicing my speech in front of my AL best friend, Bear and the cats. Later on I enlisted Marianne and her cousin to be a part of my audience. The more I practiced, the more my confidence grew. With the encouragement of many of my friends I knew I was capable of giving my presentation!

My first speaking engagement was at a day treatment. Therefore I would be speaking to people like me. These people were struggling with mental illnesses as well. My partner was a good singer and funny too! After we presented I knew this was something I wanted to continue doing.

My AL best friend and I made dozens of calls to get me booked for IOOV. We talked to the director of the group homes of Altapointe. I was able to do several presentations at different group homes. One of the consumers liked me so much that she tried to kiss me right on the lips!

In January I spoke to the nursing students at Springhill College. I was extra nervous because this was my first non consumer group! Getting my story out overpowered my nervousness! At the end Sister encouraged the students to ask us anything. They had some interesting questions to ask us. They were really interested in our presentation.

My most recent presentations were for the staff at the Salvation Army. They were at two different locations. The first one was for the women's center. Today I talked at the men's center. As usual I had butterflies in my stomach! Unlike the first time I knew I was capable of doing this. A common thing several people have told me is that I do not seem nervous talking. That I seemed natural. I was pleasantly surprised about this.

I want to be able to do these presentations for a long time! I really enjoy them! The purpose is to remove the stigma of mental illness! I want to show the world that people with mental illnesses can be successful! Not all of us are confined to group homes for the rest of our lives! We are contributing members of society too!

NAMI "In Our Own Voice" Training

Nearly ten years ago, when I was in college I had to take a speech class. I remember it was one of the classes I disliked most! I am painfully shy. Talking in front of groups of people was not my forte.... back then.

Last year I wanted to be involved with raising mental illness awareness. I was curious about publicly speaking to people about mental illness and help stomp out the stigma of it! I told Sister this and she suggested I go to the NAMI “In Our Own Voice” program.

I checked out the NAMI website. The IOOV program looked very appealing to me! I sent an e-mail of inquiry. Not long after that the IOOV Coordinator e-mails me back. She tells me that training is in Montgomery. In a few weeks to be exact. I told her that I am very interested but maybe at a later date. The coordinator suggests I submit my application anyways for future use. I snail mailed my application. I ended up being chosen to train as an IOOV Presenter! The coordinator informs me that the room, meals and mileage are paid for. I am excited! I will be going to Montgomery!

My friends thought it was an excellent idea that I go to Montgomery for training! I manage to scrape up the money for a rental car. My personal car is old. I do not trust it to last over an hour on the interstate!

It takes me a few hours to reach Montgomery. The drive was not bad. The hotel I would be staying at was fairly easy to find. I arrive a few minutes late but am thankful that I am there and that I made it safely!

Class starts training on a Friday afternoon. When the Georgia trainer introduced herself to me I immediately realized who she was! I recently read her blog. She lives with schizophrenia too! I ask about her book and she gives it to me for a discounted rate since we were peers! I was super excited to meet her!

There were about ten students in training. I talked to most of them. They were warm and friendly. The trainers were helpful and encouraged all of us. I was worried that I would have a difficult roommate. Thankfully she turned out to be kind and caring. After class we would relax in our room and talk for hours about our lives. We felt comfortable with each other.

Training was intense but fun! I enjoyed all of it. A lot of information was absorbed. The second day of training was when we did our presentations. I was very nervous at first but the more I practiced, the more comfortable I became! On Sunday we reviewed everything and did some trouble shooting. At the end was a graduation ceremony!

I was so excited to become a NAMI IOOV Presenter! The goal of our presentations is to provide a sense of hope and recovery for those living with or without a mental illness! I want to show the world that people with mental illnesses really are not much different than people without a mental illness! We can achieve our goals and live an independent high quality lives too! Stay tuned for the next blog to read about the presentations I have done!

Goals for 2015

So far 2015 is off to a great start for me! I had a big problem with depression and I think a big factor in that had to do with the Lexapro I was taking! Lexapro is an anti-depressant and it first it make me feel kind of better but it did not take long to make me feel terrible! An anti-depressant causing me to feel super depressed! Can you believe that?! Well. I did hear about those effects for certain people. Now I am being tapered off of it and I have been feeling happy for a substantial amount of time! I feel alive and content!

I have two NAMI “In our own voice” Presentations this week and I have one scheduled next week! Yesterday Sister and I did our first presentation together and had a great time! IOOV Presentations are designed to give a message of hope and recovery for those living with a mental illness and I hope I have been successful at that! This month my best friend has been helping me make calls to places that would be interested in the IOOV Presentations! We have called nearly one hundred places so far and sent out e-mails!

Now I would like to share some goals I have for this year in order of relevance:

1. Slim down

I have gained too much weight in the recent years! It seems like I just keep getting bigger and bigger. I used to be slim. I am pretty sure it is my injection that has caused all this weight gain. Right when I started taking it is when the weight came piling on. This year I MUST work harder at slimming down. I have been doing good with my drinks. I drink about one cup of soda a day at the most. I drink a lot of sweet tea but I know I should be drinking water instead! Also I need to do more exercise. I definitely need to be more consistent with this!!

2.Save money

I kind of have a spending problem! I barely have any money in my bank account. I LOVE to shop!! I don't always spend a lot of money shopping but I can cut back. I also like to eat at restaurants a lot. I plan to cook from home much more often! I really need to save up for a newer model car than my current one. Also I MIGHT be a guest speaker at a conference in Houston this year (fingers crossed). The trip pays for my flight and hotel but I am not sure about the meals. I would really like to explore the city and you can probably guess... shop and eat!!!

3. Practice MORE random acts of kindness

Yes I do practice random acts of kindness. However they are kind of here and there.. I want to do more! Something that I hear often is “You never know what someone is really going through, be nice to everyone!” Just because someone is wearing a smile on their face does not mean they are OK! Some of them could be severely depressed! There have been plenty of times I have told my friends I was fine but in reality I wanted to take Bear and run away from the world. I usually tell my closest friends when I am feeling very sad though. One day at my former job I was having a really bad day. It felt like most of my customers were being mean to me. I was on the verge of tears and maybe it did show. Well one kind customer looked at me and told me that I had such beautiful hair! We talked for a few minutes. Her simple gesture made me have faith in humanity and is something I will never forget.

4. Text less

I am a heavy texter! I love to text! More than I love to actually talk on the phone! I am limiting my texts. Instead I will make more phone calls! It is more intimate and sometimes even fun! I will also write more hand written letters and snail mail. I get so excited when I get a letter in the mail in today's world of e-mails! I write to my mom every month and to my auntie.

And that folks is my goals for this year! I know I can achieve all of them! Do any of you have goals for 2015? Care to share? Comment below or personal e-mail is good!

A Trip Back To The Catfish Farm

When I first arrived in Alabama after my mental breakdown, I left the big city of Orlando, Florida to go live on a catfish farm in Axis, Alabama.

My friends were far away, I was not able to finish college, my chances of a career in the fashion industry had ended. Would I ever see my Orlando friends again? My life as I knew it was gone. Washed away by a mental illness that I knew little about. I was basically stuck on a catfish farm. I could not see a future for me farther than the next day.

At the catfish farm I met Mac and Faye. They were a retired, older couple. Mac liked to take morning walks around the catfish ponds. I took a liking to them right off. They befriended me and treated me like family. Sometimes I would go for walks with Mac. I spent most of my weekends with them. On Saturdays I would come over in the afternoon. We usually we hangout and watch TV. Sometimes they would take me to do errands with them. Sundays was church day. We would go to Sunday School and attend service. We liked going to fast food places for lunch.

Lately Mac and Faye have been in my thoughts so a friend of mine went with me to visit them about a month ago. It was close to an hours drive from me. I did not realize how far out in the country I had lived. The drive was nice. I was slightly worried that I would not remember how to get there but the memories came flooding back. I had a quiet time reflecting on those days and where I am now. We finally turned down the last country road. I was excited to see places where I used to live. The place where I just started my recovery. I was sad to see the the catfish ponds were now fenced off. As we got closer there was Mac and Faye's house. Once we parked I started to wonder if they were home. We undid the gate and walked onto the porch, knocked on the door but no answer. They were not home. I felt a bit disappointed. We sat on their swing I used to sit on years ago and waited for a few minutes. I got tired of waiting so I left a note on the door with my number on it.

My friend and I were hungry so we decided to stop and eat near the house in case Mac and would be home soon. We took off to Taco Bell. The guy that took my order said I was very pretty so that made my day! Just as we were finishing our tacos Mac gave me a call! He said he just got home a bit ago. My friend and I hopped in the car and I was happy that I would be seeing my old friends again! Excited is the best word to describe how I was feeling as we retraced our journey. I could hardly wait to see this elderly couple who had loved me and helped me in my recovery!

As we got out of the car, Mac came to greet us. He looked exactly as I had remembered him. Faye looked thinner and she admitted that she did have some health problems. Maggie came out barking and excited. I saw that they had a small new dog. They told me that their old dog Penny had passed away. I was kind of sad about it but was glad that she was no longer suffering.

We all went inside the house. I thought it had pretty much looked the same. There were so many memories! We sat in the kitchen and had some drinks. At first Mac gave me some grapefruit juice. I took a sip and did not like it! My friend had some sweet tea so luckily we exchanged drinks. They asked what I had been doing and how my family was. I told them about all the exciting things happening and my life! Then we reminisced about the days when my family and I used to live there.

It was getting near four o clock and my friend and I decided to head back home before the traffic hour started. We try to avoid rush hour if possible! It was wonderful seeing my old friends again. I now have more fond memories of these two dear people who loved me when I needed it most. My life back at the catfish farm would have been incredibly lonely without Mac and Faye. I will make sure to visit them at least a few times a year and keep in touch by phone!

Progress

In 2008 my life changed forever. I was a senior in college. Life was good. I wanted to work in the fashion industry. My future looked promising. In a matter of a few weeks everything changed.

You can read more about my mental breakdown in this blog. About the devastation of schizophrenia and how I put my life back together one piece at a time. There were setbacks sometimes but there was progress.

As my best friend says “I hung in there.” As my confidence grew I realized that I had something to give the world. This blog is a success. It has been read in ten different countries. I have had articles published in Schizlife, SOMI, Centerpointe, and NAMI.

Recently I was introduced to the Board of Directors of SOMI.

Through SA I met Sister Lucindia who has agreed to be my mentor. Sister Lucindia elected me to be a Board member for Wings Across Alabama. I attended the Board meeting a few weeks ago and am now an official Board member for Wings. I am very excited to serve and represent this organization!

Last weekend I just completed training to become a NAMI Presenter. I spent three days training in Montgomery. AL. I got to live lavishly. I had a huge comfortable bed with four pillows and I got used to the unlimited non-alcoholic beverages! During my training I met some wonderful people and made new friends!

The training was exciting and fun! I was nervous about doing public speaking but the more I practiced the more I felt confident giving a speech. I am looking forward to continuing my blog which I am very proud of! I plan on writing a book about my life. I am very excited to be serving on the Board of Directors of Wings and to be a NAMI Presenter!

I want to inspire and help others like me! I have great ambitions and plans for the future. I look forward to being an advocate, a spokesperson for the advancement of mental illness awareness!

Mental Illness Awareness Week 14

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. It is especially important to me because I have schizophrenia.

Mental illness is often put in closets or brushed under the rug. We do not want to talk about it. Family members do not want to admit it if a relative has a condition. The average person's views of mental illness come from movies or books.

There is little public education or public funds invested in educating people. Most views vary from the ignorant to the ill informed.

This is the reason I started my blog. I felt like I had a story to share. I wanted to show the world what life is like for someone with schizophrenia. That people like me are functioning and loving people who contribute to society.

In my this blog I chronicle my life. From feelings of despair to having hope. I reflect on family and friends that have been there for me.

My favorite line is “Schizophrenia does not control me, I control it!” I do not hear voices. I am not delusional. Through therapy, medications and support groups I can face each day knowing I am in control!

A Typical Day In The Life of Amy Kay

I have strange dreams. Often I wake up feeling homesick. I still feel sad over my FL best friend. I miss my brother. I miss my mom. Orlando was my home.

Even though I have slept over ten hours I still feel exhausted. I believe I have sleep apnea. I have a consultation to see a doctor about that this month.

I manage to shower and get dressed. I check my phone for texts. I usually get a few “Good morning” texts each morning.

I drive over to my AL best friend's house. I bring my computer with me. I catch up on my email and Facebook. We have brunch and talk a bit.

We drive over to SOMI club. I go to a support group. She is a volunteer over there. I practice the piano. We enjoy talking to other people.

After SOMI we usually have errands. I like to stop by the library. We go to the store. Often we grab lunch. Sometimes we run by places to pay bills.

We go back to my AL best friend's house. We talk, read, write and rest. I get back on the computer. After awhile she fixes dinner for the both of us. If I am not too tired I manage to get in an hour of walking.

Later on I drive home. Looney and Lassie (the dogs) are excited to see me! Sometimes I give each of them a treat! I go up to my room where Bear is waiting for me. I hug him and give him kisses. I shower and get into night clothes. Sometimes I read at night. I am ALWAYS listening to music. I go online and text and I fall asleep.

Big Apple

In the spring of 2008 I took a trip to New York City! The guy I was dating at the time whom I was infatuated with, found out I had never been to New York. He wanted to treat me to a visit to the Big Apple. This was my first time flying on a plane. Going on this trip was the most exciting thing I had ever done!

We spent the night at the airport hotel. It was my first time finding chocolates on the pillow. There was a balcony where we sat and drank wine. I took a luxurious bubble bath.

The next day we boarded the plane in the morning. Having never been on a plane I felt it was a bit crowded. My mate gave me some gum. He told me to chew on it as we were taking off so my ears would not hurt. The attendants showed us how to put on oxygen masks and life vests. I remember how our flight attendant made me a mixed drink! They put on a movie but I was too excited to pay attention!

There was so much to see and do! People were all around me! We went to see Broadway shows. It was AWESOME! The tickets were about one hundred dollars a pop!

I remember having the most delicious cheesecake I had ever eaten in my life! It was so smooth. Then there was the subway. You can go just about anywhere in the city on them. It was fun!

I had the chance to walk around the campus of NYU. It was huge! We had coffee at Starbucks. I thought about how much fun it would be to attend this school.

We walked through Chinatown and Little Italy. People would try to persuade us to eat in their restaurants.

Later we ate at high rise restaurant right across from Ground Zero. That place looked like a construction zone. I also remember seeing some tents. Then we walked around Wall Street but I was not really impressed with it. Haha. 

This was a trip I will always remember! Flying on a plane. All the sites and sounds of New York. It was amazing to say the least! I definitely want to visit sometime soon!

Big Brother

I have talked about my support group of family and friends. For those of you enduring a mental illness, you know how truly important these people are.

Today I want to talk about one of my family members that made it possible for me to be here today. I plan on talking about other family members in future blogs.

My big brother who has loved, encouraged, instructed and scolded me sometimes, with my best interest in mind. From my earliest memories he has always been there for me. He has made me feel safe. He has been my protector. The best big brother a girl could ever want!

When I was about ten my mother left us due to a mental illness. We were both devastated but he buried his pain to take care of me. He put up a front for me, not thinking about his feelings to be there for me.

When we were teens my older brother worked in the hotel. He usually brought me dinner to make sure that I ate well. When my body was changing he would take me shopping for under things and feminine products. That had to be embarrassing for a teenage boy, but it did not stop him.

When it came time to learn to drive he was there teaching me the difference between the gas and brake pedals. I think I scared him and a mailbox once, haha. However he continued to teach me. When my older brother left for the military he gave me his car. Unknowingly I let the car run out of oil and damaged the car. His response “ No big deal.” He knew I did not do it on purpose.

After he got out of the army he went to live with his friend. On the weekends I would come visit him. We would just relax and have something to eat. We did not always talk a lot. Being around each other was comforting.

At the time we did not know that my mental illness was starting to take a hold of me. One time I got several traffic tickets in one sitting. It was so bad that they even took my driver's license! My older brother was trying to explain how serious the situation was. In my starting state of euphoria I did not see what was frustrating him.

When I was delusional and ran from him I thought he was a clone trying to harm me. I can not even imagine how hurt and worried he was for me. I remember being in the emergency room with him. He held my hand and I could not look at him. I did not believe it was really him.

After I arrived in Alabama my older brother stayed in touch with me. Sometimes he would get on me about decisions I made but he always wanted me to better myself. He wanted me to do something with my life. I was not good at communicating how I felt. At times I gave up on myself but my big brother never gave up on me!

I know being a blogger was not his first choice but I believe he is happy for me. I found something I am good at and I am helping others!

Big brother I love you and am so thankful for you being there. Even when you were out of the country I never could have made it without you! Thank You!!!! <3 <3

Support Groups

Since I have started this blog I have been more involved in mental illness. I began to realize that I could help others and that there were support groups to help people struggling with mental illness.

During my research for my blog I found SOMI (Survivors of Mental Illness) and SA (Schizophrenics Anonymous). Both groups help many people dealing with schizophrenia.

When I first went to the SOMI club, I knew I was in the right place. The people who run it are genuine. They are there to help. The director and activities director make everyone feel at home. Some things that are available are arts and crafts. We even blew big bubbles one day. I am so excited, they are teaching me how to play the piano!

The best part is I get to spend time with people who have a mental illness. We talk about daily living and paint or draw. There is never any pressure on doing anything. We talk and laugh while doing our projects. It is very soothing and relaxing.

On Wednesdays we do support groups. The members get together and talk about their lives. Both good and bad things happening in it. It helps to hear and talk about daily life. Coping skills are taught to handle rough days.

I love snack time! It is when we sit down and enjoy juice, cheeses, nuts and other healthy snacks. Again it is the interaction with people with a similar condition.

SOMI club is a refuge place to recharge your batteries. This group of people have made a difference in my life. It is my place to go when things are not going well, or when I have a great day and want to tell people about it.

Another group I have taken advantage of is SA. They have a conference call where you can talk to others with schizophrenia from all over America. We talk about our day and how we cope with our illness. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.

I met Sister Lucindia who is a star in the mental health field. She has schizophrenia just like me! She is my inspiration! She wears many hats in mental health. She graduated college with honors, has been in several articles and has published a book! I am learning so much from her.

There is so much more to these groups than what I have shared above! Please feel free to get in touch with me if you want more information on these groups. They are life savers. Like a calm refuge in the storm that surrounds people dealing with mental illness.

My Own Kind Of Therapy

It does not take a lot of money to lift me from my sadness. All I need is some time. Having some friends around would be helpful. Things I do to relax and have fun are simple things.

One of the things I especially love to do is go to the library. Whether it is a project, interest or problem the library has resources. I always love to browse the “New Section” books. I enjoy books and sometimes I read a lot.

Another way to relax me is going shopping. I have loved shopping since I was a teen! It is one of my favorite pastimes. I bargain hunt and look for deals. I like going to discount stores, the Goodwill and thrift stores. I also go to high end stores BUT I am always looking for a good sale there! Shopping lifts my spirits when I am blue. I rarely spend a lot of money for goods.

One of my favorite places to go is downtown during the day. There is a nice park with a big fountain. Sometimes I like going to the bars but I do not usually have an alcoholic beverage. My beverage of choice is orange juice. There are cute shops and cafes to visit. I love the Peanut Shop. I always get popcorn from there. Occasionally I feed the squirrels in the park bits of popcorn. There is usually something going on downtown!

Lastly I love to go out to eat! Often I am in the mood for Thai food. I also like Chinese buffets. I prefer to go during the day to keep costs down. I dine out with a friend at least once a week.

These are things I do to make me feel better. It is kind of like my own therapy in a sense. They help chase away the blues and get me away from my depression.