Wishing to be pretty enough.

Hi guys ! I know it's been a while ! I hope you enjoy reading about my life!

Pretty much most of my life I have felt not pretty enough. Up until this day it is something I still struggle with. It has kinda become an obsession.

It started when I was very young. I was still in elementary school. At the time my mom was still around. She worked in the cafeteria of a hospital. One day she took me to work with her. There was an office in the cafeteria. That was where I sat while she took care of things. There were two women in the office with me. I think it was just the three of us. I heard the women talking. The women were talking about me. They said things like "She isn't pretty. She's ugly. She just has pretty long hair." Earlier my mom's co workers were telling her that I was a pretty girl. When I heard the women calling me ugly I felt very very bad.

I never forgot that situation. When I was in high school I got mixed responses. Some people called me pretty. Some people called me ugly.

So even today I don't feel like I will ever be pretty enough. Most of the time I do feel ugly. When people tell me I'm pretty I spend so much time looking in the mirror trying to see what they see.

My best friend and my life partner.

Hello readers ! I have not been in a writing mood lately in case you guys have not noticed.

With great sadness, I want to tell everyone that my life partner lost his battle with pancreatic cancer in December. He started a downhill decline since about the summer of 2016.

Thankfully my partner was able to reconnect with his immediate family before he left this world. Also two of his brothers from West Virginia even came to visit us in November.

One of my first memories of us was when we were just friends. We were walking inside of the grocery store and he grabbed my hand and held it ! I was appalled ! I did not know what he thought he was doing. Now readers keep in mind this was before I fell in love with him. After we became I couple I would constantly apologize for that incident. I never let myself live it down. My partner was sweet about it and said it did not hurt his feelings too bad.

I started falling in love with my partner when I got to know his heart. His best asset was his heart of gold. He always wanted to help others. My partner tried to see the best in people.

When I felt like I could do not do something my partner always believed I could do anything I set my mind to. When I felt like I was not pretty enough my partner would tell me I was very beautiful. He was my biggest supporter !

It is bittersweet for me to go to the places we used to go together. I miss him like crazy ! It hurts the worst when I wake up at night and he is not by my side. I am thankful I still have Bear and Garfield. When I feel very bad I use my coping skills.

My partner gave me the best years of my life. I am scared to navigate the world without him but I know it is possible. He will always live in my memories, my dreams and in my heart !! <3 <3 

 

May 2016

Hi guys! Hope everyone is doing well! I just wanted to let you know what is going on in my life.

In February I had my big 30th birthday! I loved getting cards and gifts from family and friends.
I picked out my ice cream cake but it did not taste so good! My partner and best friend took
me to a casino in Biloxi, MS which is about an hour away. 

In March I gave my presentation at Mobile College! The students asked me and my presentation
partner several questions.

In April my partner had a birthday! We went to Biloxi, MS again for a few hours. We really
enjoyed eating at the buffet.

Early this month I told my story to the consumers at Baypointe. The consumers were kids and
teens. I was surprised to find a good bit of them my height! Sometimes I forget that I am short!

Previously I have been doing my workouts for 15-20 minutes each day. Today is the first day
I extended my workout to 30 minutes ! :)

End of 2015

2015 was a good year for me. It seems like the past year just flew by! I am still surprised it is almost 2016! I have done well with my goals.

In the past year I became a member of Altapointe Consumer Council. Altapointe is a local mental health organization in Mobile, AL that provides services for people living with a mental illness. As a member my duties are to voice the concerns and needs of the consumers.

I also started a second SA(Schizophrenics Anonymous) group in Mobile. We have support groups every month at SOMI Club(Survivors of Mental Illness). SA is a support group for anyone that has been diagnosed with a mental illness. I have been enjoying my groups. We like to discuss how our lives are going. The groups definitely help us.

In November I was asked to give my personal story to the CIT(Crisis Intervention Training) for police officers. I was able to talk about my experience with law enforcement. I feel like I helped them better understand what it is like to deal with the mentally ill.

Last but not least I want to tell you about my upcoming Christmas. I am very excited about the holidays! I am thankful that the holidays are still a happy time for me! I have plenty of gifts to open from my loved ones. I have been to a few Christmas parties. I am so happy to have my partner, family and friends. They make my life so much better! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !!!

Update On Amy 2015

Hey! I have not talked to you guys in awhile! I thought I would give you an update of how my life and 2015 goals.

A few months ago I started an SA(Schizophrenics Anonymous) group at SOMI! I am still learning but it is off to a good start!

I am still dealing with sadness/depression. However I use the WRAP(Wellness Action Recovery Plan) toolbox and it helps me very much.

Now here is how my goals are going:

1. Slim down

It is off to a slow start but I have lost a few pounds! I like going for walks. I started adding squats to my routine. I have also been taking yoga classes !

2. Save money

I have started a savings account. I have been saving my extra money. I am very thankful I have money to save !

3. Practice more random acts of kindness

One of the acts of kindness I have been doing is leaving a few dollars at the table of fast food places. I hope it brightens someones day!

4. Text less

I have been texting less and calling my friends more often! I also enjoy visiting my friends.

So I am happy to say I am doing good on my goals. How are your 2015 goals coming along ??

Big Scare

Something that people with mental illnesses worry about is getting mentally sick again!

A few weeks ago, I had a big scare! You see I have been having med changes on my anti depressants. One particular anti-depressant made me have horrible intrusive thoughts!

Basically I became obsessed with the thought of getting sick again! It literally took over my mind!

This was one time when meds did not help. It actually made me feel a lot worse!

I was having what felt like panic attacks. I was incredibly scared that I would have to go stay in the psychiatric unit again!

Well what I learned in WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) I applied to in real life. I called my mentor, Sister and got some advice from her.

I used my coping skills to help get through the bad feelings. I took a hot bubble bath. Then I took my night meds and listened to some soothing music before falling asleep.

The next morning I gave the nurse a call. I told her about the bad side effects I have been having with the meds and that I was not going to take them anymore. She said that was ok.

I felt a lot better being off the anti-depressant.

For the mentally ill we hope we will not have another psychiatric breakdown. That thought is always with us. I know that I want to be able to live independently for as long as possible!

Today I am feeling good and I am off the anti-depressants!

I am able to get by keeping a positive attitude. Just taking it one day at a time...

My Best Birthday

I want to take you back to February 2011. My 25^th Birthday was coming up! This was a memorable birthday because special friends were coming to visit me!

I had known Christi (FL best friend) for most of my life. We were not always close but when I was in middle school we started to form a special bond. Her mom (Auntie) was like a second mom to me. I spent most of my free time at their house. Christi and Auntie were basically my second family.

I was extremely excited to see these ladies since I had not see them in almost three years! I kept my cell phone near me, waiting anxiously to find out when they had reached Alabama. They were coming from Orlando, FL which is an eight hour drive.

I heard from Christi in the evening. They had just made it safely to Alabama! They were tired and going to get some rest. Later that night I got a text from Christi asking if I wanted to go eat. We ended up going to Denny's around midnight!

The next night I saw Auntie. I almost did not recognize her! She lost a lot of weight. We exchanged bear hugs and talked excitedly!

We did a lot of fun things! They took me out to eat at different places. We went to the movies. I guess you should not be surprised that we did some shopping!

One night Christi and I literally stayed up all night on Facebook. We went to the hotel lobby to have breakfast around five am. Then we went to our room and finally got some sleep.

Christi and Auntie stayed for about a week in Alabama. They gave me a memorable birthday! It was one of my best birthdays ever! These two special ladies are an integral part of my life. I think about them often and miss them daily!